A Bittersweet Christmas

Merry Christmas! Hope everyone had a wonderful time. My family and I went to candlelight Christmas Eve service last night. There were scripture readings, a message from the pastor, and lots of singing. I had invited my friend A to the worship; I'm glad she was able to join us. We lit candles as we sang "Silent Night". It was indeed a holy, quiet night.

Today we went to the 9AM worship. The pastor had told the congregation that today's worship will be casual one, so wearing pajamas are perfectly acceptable. Some people did indeed show up in their jammies--most noteworthy was the gentleman wearing Hello Kitty flannel pants.

Back home, I texted a bunch of people on my contacts list wishing them a Merry Christmas. I came across my ex, T's number--whom I haven't talked to in 6 years--and on a weird whim, sent him a holiday text as well. Few minutes later, I got a text back from him, asking who I am. I texted him back, telling him who I am. Few minutes later, he calls me.
I answer, a bit surprised that he would actually call.

T: Hello. Who is this??
Me: It's me, Yoko! Remember me??
T: ...Yoko....???
Me: (confused)...um...We used to date ten years ago.
T: wha...? Oh. This is his dad.
Me: His dad?? Oh my gosh! How did I get your number?
T: I...don't know. But yes, I remember you. How have you been?
Me: I've been doing well. How's T?
T: ...Do you know he died 4 years ago?
Me: ...! Oh...my...gosh...no...I... did not. How...?
T: He took his own life.

I was shocked beyond belief. T was my first boyfriend, and although we had a messy breakup, we had some sweet memories and good times while we were together.

His father told me that T had barely gotten married earlier that year, and how they were planning on buying a house. Then while his dad was out of town, he shot himself. His brother and his sister found him, along with a death note and a poem.

While going through his belongings after his death, he told me he found some poems that T wrote. Love poems. About me. "He had strong feelings for you," his dad said. "I'm sure he would've loved to talk to you."

My heart ached...for his family, for his wife, and for the way we broke up. I was hoping that someday, we'll run into each other, and I can then apologize for my immaturity, cold-heartedness, insensitivity...
But it's not going to happen. Never will.

But his dad was glad we got the chance to talk. I was a part of his son's memory that he didn't know existed. We wished each other Merry Christmas and to keep in touch.

I found some of his artworks he gave me ten years ago on my computer. I asked his dad if I should send them to him; he replied that he would love to have them. So I sent them to him, along with a very short audio record of T saying, "Hi Yoko."

It was sad and heartbreaking to learn what had happened. But I'm glad I was able to help them reconnect with another piece of T's memory. I hope this brought some comfort to souls, as fond memories of their son.

Rest in Peace, T. I'm sorry; I wish I could've been a better girlfriend.